domingo, 29 de julho de 2012

Tenebræ


Home is where I feel the gloom of silence.

Letter to Self

Please, listen to me for once: there’s no other soul in you beyond mine. You are me & we are one. I’m stuck in you as much as a flower is stuck in your head for hours before it starts to wither away & allow your eyes to be teary & gloomy forever.
                No one can save you, but you’ve never longed to be saved, have you? Oh, I know it pretty well. I know your wishes haven’t come true as easily as the ones you always think about for other people, but theirs haven’t as well & you shall comprehend it for your own good. Things never come easily & if they do, they go away easier than they have come & then you are, one more time, teary-eyed forever. The longing inside your head has always been so strong & so unsafe & so harmful for you & everyone, that even if one comes carefully & touches your arms, your eyes seem to set them in fire & burn them alive, all in a merely second of a plain sight.  You don’t seem to realize you have this fire inside you, do you? You’re burning inside & the rotten flesh & skin & bones inside you have become ashes in life. But possibly & eventually, shall some brand new & dreary self return from the dust & become the one you’ve longed to be once in a while. I do believe it might be true, as these selves inside you have all burned up along with your thoughts & words, which you swallowed so easily though so harshly that you didn’t even realize they were on fire, just because you are as well.
                I’ve been dreaming of a day that may or may not come true for real. This day seems to be so so so far away & so impossibly out of reach that I might day-dream forever, with hands held to chest & eyes stuck on the sky where I long to be so often, away from everything & living elsewhere, where I can imagine things from the outsider’s view. 
                Is there anywhere out that I can reach, at all? I wish I could be elsewhere & nowhere at the same time, to be the proof that I exist only in my dreams, but the proof only for this self or the selves cannot be considered for the others & I might as well keep on day-dreaming that some day they, the other ones in life, can reach out & touches myself completely & I shall not get a chill or be afraid that they are real & can feel that I’m real as well. You are real. We are & we cannot be afraid of this forever & any longer.
                In the back of your head, I know there might be some non-harmful thought which leads you to this limited road of life. I know things aren’t right in hand for now & they might not be for some moments & maybe forever, but you must keep on existing & reaching out the happenings of your life with the strength you once stole from someone else’s heart & which is buried inside of yours as well; the blood flowing in your veins, pulsating from your heart says ‘hello, take a look from within & find yourself!’ but you just keep on listening only to the sea sounds & these hopeless thoughts inside your mind. Spit all the dirt out & look inside & find the strength that once has been given & stolen & hid on your deepest self that you can reach inside your mind & through the endless beating of a moment.

terça-feira, 24 de julho de 2012

Parallel universe

It gets harder everyday & every night. It just doesn't seem I'll ever be in control of my own selves over again; it's like they live in each parallel universe of their own & I have absolutely anything to do with that, those little worlds, those little twisted & sick minds inside myself which I'll never be able to reach out & call them mine.
It's like a prison of my own, like a cage inside a cage, a house inside a house. I feel like a bird, a caged one. Caged by myself, and the worst is that I'll never set me free.

sábado, 7 de julho de 2012

Eidolon

I wonder how many people I’ve looked at in my whole life & never truly seen. I wonder how I’ve spent half of my life sitting up & waiting for something to come breaking in the silence inside my head & attempt to give me the silence inside my chest. I wonder how those strong and harsh words were able to come off of my heart with a single & simple gesture of an open and shaking mouth. I wonder why I try to sleep and shut my eyes & wake up drowned in sadness under my blankets. Why does this happen? What happens, after all? I only wonder how this life has become what it is right now, and since when, and so far all I’ve got was answers coming as questions and I know, I know that I can’t answer, because I’ve got no answers. And the day when I Iook in the mirror or at the sky or inside your eyes and find the answers, I’ll be glad to answer myself what I’ve been questioning so long, but really, how long will it take for this day to comes up? I just wonder, and then I wander through these thoughts & feelings & I sink into my deepest self looking for answers and all I find is a broken heart and a blood-stained mind.

Aos demônios do tempo V: Dividido


                Sabe do que eu preciso? Eu preciso ver o verde lá fora. O verde das árvores, das águas do lago dentro da praça, dos olhos marejados de quem eu não espero ter de enxugar uma lágrima sequer, mas de fato o faria, se necessário; sou daquelas que não importa o quanto derrame lágrimas em mim, o que importa é que em ti não exista mais nenhuma que te faça transbordar e derrubar toda aquela barreira dentro de ti que construíra um dia a fim de que ela te impedisse de ser visto com seus lindos e pesados olhos marejados – mas você nunca pensou que, um dia, você transbordaria, e barreira nem muro nenhum seria capaz de segurar tudo isso. Elas derreteriam, assim como eu, por dentro.
                Preciso ir de encontro à lua e sentir a brisa suave e noturna tocar meu rosto e insistir em virar as páginas do meu livro enquanto afundo meu eu interior nele e esqueço-me do mundo externo e de todas essas palavras que embaçam minha visão com lágrimas e perdem-se em minha mente entre tantos pensamentos e tanto vazio e tanta sujeira, poeira, dor. Tudo se mistura e torna-se uma confusão que passa a ser um tormento e eu não aguento, eu não aguento.  Acredite, eu não aguento.
Eu sei, eu sei, eu estava escrevendo sobre você, sobre o céu, sobre distâncias e amores e tudo o que reside em algum lugar dentro de mim e que insiste em ficar e só vai embora quando eu me for também. Mas eu vagueio entre minha mente e percebo que quanto mais eu penso em ir mais eu continuo aqui perambulando por noites sem dormir e dias ociosos, enquanto o céu lá fora permanece cinza e eu sem cor, sem forma, se formato, inexistindo e existindo ao mesmo tempo, e tudo o que permanece é a carcaça de dias que foram bons e que não voltam mais, e de um eu que um dia permaneceu intacto por dentro, mas hoje apresenta-se estilhaçado como um copo de vidro atirado ao chão com a raiva de quem um dia teve esperanças em dias melhores e agora vive uma vida em preto e branco.

Inconsistent


 Sometimes I think I should step out of this body image I’ve created myself as a role model to follow and copy. I see there’s no way out of the mind if I can’t reach the deepest self with words, with sorrowful & subtle words, yet beautiful & captivating. I sing the plainest words with a rhythm that my heart is not able to follow & then I feel like a burden to myself. Is this even possible? Is this even real? What is real? What is possible?
I feel impossible today. Impossible, ignorant, immature, impotent, idiotic, insane, invisible. The reflection in the mirror says itself – the bathroom’s old floral wallpaper displays itself in the mirror when I come in front of it. Invisible, impossible. I, myself. Imagination, illusions, incredibly incapable of everything & anything. This is what defines me today. This is what defines one of my selves & this is what defines me most of the times when I can’t find the words to say how much I’m sorry for being this insignificant poor & vague wandering soul.
 

© 2009Dead Souls | by TNB